"I've been down too far to care"

I just finished reading the doctors opinion in my big book- I have been skimming it for a while but today I really read it and it affected me. It is so simple but it makes so much sense. When I think back about all of the terrible things I’ve done in my addiction I need to remember that I was a sick person. “the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind”…my therapist in florida told me to think about this question in regards to my past.. “do you think that you did the best that you could do considering your disease?” My answer was NO right away but she told me to give it some thought. Reading this really helped me understand why she asked this question. I knew that I always liked to escape reality but I always wanted to know WHY…. Now I am understanding that the reason is because of a craving that I develop after I use/drink (as a result of my disease). When I don’t have drugs/alcohol I become restless/irritable/discontented. I also know that I used to go to any length to make these feelings go away- even if that meant lying and stealing. I also relate to the part that says “their alcoholic life seems the only normal one.” Right after rehab I had trouble imagining a world without drugs- it had become my life and I wasn’t sure how to function in a sober world.

When I first got clean I had no intention to stop drinking. Alcohol was never my problem so I didn’t see why I couldn’t have this. I realize now that alcohol is a drug and I cannot use it in any form… once I do the craving will come back and I will lose control. My self-confidence will be replaced with shame and I will want to hide from my problems. I tend to get the “fuck-its” when things go wrong and I know that it would be a fight to stop again. I also really liked the part that says after we pick up again we lose reliance upon things human…. It has been a struggle for me to reach out to people and even now it would be easy for me to lose reliance upon things human. To me that means falling off the face of the earth like I’m so good at doing. I need to rely on those around me because it is the only thing that is going to save my life.

I understand that I have a disease and I have to abstain entirely in order to prevent cravings. My life is changing in ways that I never could have imagined thanks to the program. Thank god my addiction has nothing to do with mental control. I’m told that I will experience an entire psychic change and I look forward to feeling things for the first time in my life.

today i am feeling good. i have so much to be thankful for. i adore my new temp job at the children's hospital. i am challenged, i feel like i'm helping people and all of the doctors are amazingly kind. well, today the director pulled me aside (they know that i am a nurse but waiting for my liscence) and told me that after the temp position is up they are going to create a position for me as a nurse. i feel so blessed to have been placed here.

i am also thankful for my friends here in philly. my roomate john has been so patient with my financial situation and has not made me feel guilty or worthless about not being able to pull my weight. (he did say that he would have to start cutting off my fingers but that is to be expected- haha). i am also thankful for having met jason and nick- i have such a great time going to open mic night with them... i'm so content just sitting there enjoying their company. i am also very thankful for david's siter and nephew- they have become family to me. i look forward to the time i get to spend with them. gretchen swears i need to marry her 19 year old cousin but i just laugh and tell her he may be cute but that is way too young!

feelin the love!

Things are starting to clear up a bit in my head- i still have days where i want to isolate but they are occurring less often. i miss my family in florida but the friends that i'm making here in philly are starting to feel like family. after david passed i wasn't sure what home was- he felt like home and he had left me... it is slowly starting to feel like home here.

last night i was waiting on a train and i starting wondering what it would be like if i died... would i get to be with david? i'm not going to do anything to speed up the process (aside from smoking) but the thought entered my mind. i've never given death this much though in my entire life because i've never lost anyone close to me. David's funeral was my first. i know it will not be my last but at this point in my life i feel like i can handle anything.

its been two months and 20 days since david passed. somedays it feels like it happened years ago and somedays it feels like yesterday. i have been struggling for the past three days- this has been happening every three weeks and it usually lasts for like 3-5 days. i feel like i am on the verge of tears and like the world is moving around me as i sit. i am numb- nothing matters. i am also approaching 90 days of sobriety and maybe being in early recovery has something to do with it but i'm not sure. i'll feel better after i share at a meeting (i hope). on days like today (and the past three) i just want to hide under a blanket and forget about the world. there are friends around me but right now i just want everyone to go away.... that is terrible but true. i want to be left alone with my misery. i wish i had a power off button.

i miss him so fucking much- it isn't fair

today i heard a lyric that really affected me- it said "OUR INTENTIONS ARE BEST LEFT UNMENTIONED". i guess we all have intentions that drive our decision making and our actions..... but sometimes i wonder what these intentions are. if i sit and think long enough i catch a glimpse of understanding but i can never really take hold of it. i also feel that my intentions are constantly changing depending on my emotional state (which is all over the place as of late). is this something that everyone deals with? rhett miller once said "where's a boy with bad intentions gonna settle down."

i think that relationships/friendships are the most confusing when it comes to intentions. i was once told that if people of the opposite sex are friends then there will always be unspoken sexual tension. sometimes if one person in the friendship makes his/her feelings known then it throws the whole thing off balance. this has always been a very confusing topic for me and i don't think that i'll ever figure it out. so for now i'll stick with the words that hit so close to home and leave my intentions unmentioned.

(this is my favorite poem in the entire world- it makes me happy...)



TO MY CHILD FRIEND


I CHARM in vain: for never again,
All keenly as my glance I bend,
Will Memory, goddess coy,
Embody for my joy
Departed days, nor let me gaze
On thee, my Fairy Friend!

Yet could thy face, in mystic grace,
A moment smile on me, ‘twould send
Far-darting rays of light
From Heaven athwart the night,
By which to read in very deed
Thy spirit, sweetest Friend!
So may the stream of Life’s long dream
Flow gently onward to its end,
With many a floweret gay,
A-down its willowy way:
May no sigh vex, no care perplex,
My loving little Friend!


-Lewis Carroll/1886.

I start a new job tomorrow- I am nervous to go back into nursing but at the same time I am excited. If I could support myself waiting tables then i would wait a while longer but I can't. The longer that I wait the more difficult it will be anyway. I don't want people to judge me or look at me differently because of the restrictions on my liscence but atleast I am allowed to practice- it could be alot worse. When this whole thing started I was so upset about not working because I thought I would lose everything- the truth is that I have gained so much as a result of the recent changes in my life. Relationships are still very confusing but that will never change. For right now I am going to focus on working as much as possible to get things back in order- just by doing that things will work out. I'm learning that I cannot change anyone else/ I can only do what is best for me. Sometimes I wish that my heart and my brain would communicate a bit more but what can you do. My heart remains on my sleeve I just have to protect it the best that i can.

Iron and Wine is on Friday- yay!!!!!!

"Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life......"

Sometimes i feel like i have so little time to myself (between family, group meetings, and working my ass off at the restaurant) and yet i still have to make attempts to maintain relationships....i'm not trying to say that relationships are like chores but they do require work. At this time in my life i have to try to divide my time and still do things for myself. i'm sure that everyone deals with this but it has been especially hard for me as of late. it is so hard for me to pick up the phone/ i am terrible when it comes to calling people. i've been making so many changes in my life but sometimes i feel like there are things that i cannot change no matter how hard i try. when i go back to nursing (which should be soon i hope- i've been turned down for two jobs already) i am going to have to keep the restaurant job because i am sooo far behind on everything that i'll need it to catch up.... then i'll have even less free time. maybe i should stop telling people that i will do things when i can't promise that i will follow thru. all that i want to do is drive and listen to music- i don't even care if i ever arrive anywhere.... i want to get on the road and just GO.

So i thought that my laptop was broken for the past month because it wouldn't turn on at all. the other day i had a strange feeling and i decided to test it out. it was a wonderful day because it powered on! granted, it gave me an error message but thanks to my mom it is A-OK. she had to give me a new operating system (skippy skippy) and i lost some photos but atleast i had most of them transfered to CD. not only did she hook me up with updated everything but she gave me the best gift- LIMEWIRE. i am overjoyed and downloading like a mother. i have discovered Athlete (opening for Snow Patrol tomorrow night!!!!)and the Damnwells. I was also able to listen to some of Josh Rouse's new stuff (which is AMAZING!!!!), rediscover Iron and Wine, and explore the wonderful world of the Pixies (thanx Silence for freaking out over the fact that i have never really given them a chance/ although i have to give cory credit because he did try to introduce me to them while in Baltimore....). life is good.

I just got an offer for a job at Baptist South and i am stoked about that too. things are falling into place slowly-

Athlete kind of sounds like Arm of Roger, except not as Cheeky.
oh shit, i almost forgot... i was downloading Snow Patrol and i found a cover of the song "you got me lookin so crazy right now"- it is funny.

Today in group we had to eat a food that we hate and describe our feelings before and after- at first i was happy that i didn't have to do it because i am in aftercare and i just drop in for an hour a week.... then i realized that this wasn't going to get me out of it because the guy beside me had cottage cheese and i DESPISE that horrible stuff. i was gagging watching him take a bite and when it was my turn i gagged even harder as the horrible chunky, slimy, evilness was sliding down my throat. today i learned that yes, cottage cheese is the devil.

i had this dream a while back that i have been meaning to paint and i think that i am going to start it today- i have this door that has been calling me to paint it. the dream goes like this..... the sky is dark and red- there is a sinister looking factory in the background ejecting large plumes of smoke with each exhale. people are riding on an escalator into the factory- they all have blank, expressionless faces and their eyes are focused on something that i cannot see. the only noise is a constant, rhythmic beeping coming from the factory itself. everyone seems to move in unison to this dark beat. i try to talk to the people but they do not acknowledge my presence. along side the escalator i see a flock of sheep. i approach the sheep- hungry for some form of communication. i kneel down and look into the eyes of the creature. when i look closely i see the same blank expression. one of the sheep opens its mouth and out comes the same noise that the factory is making. it was a horrible dream and i cannot shake it to this day.